You made me cry and you don't even care
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
