every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
