I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
