If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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