I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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