look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
