There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
