I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
