It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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