my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
