new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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