She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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