it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
