She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I have aggressive nipples.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
