I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
