What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
