CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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