Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
