I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
