You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
