My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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