and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
