It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize