You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
