am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
