why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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