If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
