I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
50% drunk capacity currently
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
