i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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