If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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