is your mom at the bar?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
