so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
