2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
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