Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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