Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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