i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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