And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
