I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
