Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
time to smoke my breakfast
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
