did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
