I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
