I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Less talking, more tequila
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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