I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
