So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
