Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
