Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
