just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
