he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
tell me about the fingering
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