my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
