Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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