My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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