I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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